An Epilogue on Loss and Love
by kakapo1
Summary: A chance meeting between Cheryl and Judd two years after the birth and death of their son Tama sets off a chain of events which both struggle to comprehend. What will it mean for their future? Set about 18 months after the ending of Series 6.
1. Chapter 1

Cheryl pulled her cardigan closer into her sides. The sun had disappeared a few minutes earlier, and she started to feel the chill in the air.

She looked across the bush clad gullies and surrounding hills sprinkled with white dots which turned out to be sheep. Everything about this place felt like home, even though she had only been here a few times. She turned around to face the small plot in front of her. The windmill was turning steadily in the breeze as if it wanted to keep up with someone who was in a rush. It would have been out of place with its helpless busy-ness and shiny surface, were it not for the boy who was buried beneath. Cheryl was surprised it had lasted the two long years it had spent on her son's grave, keeping him company, day and night, resting only on the rare occasions when the air was still.

She looked down on the plot, checking the colourful mixture of daisies, pansies and violets to make sure they were neat and trim. When she had first arrived earlier on, the plot had been covered in wilted petals and leaves, and the windmill had been on a severe lean, in danger of falling over any moment. The sight of the unkempt grave had brought on a first wave of tears as Cheryl despaired over her inability to visit more often. After this initial outpour of grief she got down onto her knees to clear the debris and rearrange the windmill and the little toys around the headstone.

She had only seen it once before. It had taken her a long time to find the strength to meet with Wayne to choose a headstone, and when they had finally decided on a simple flat rock with rough edges and a smooth front, the mason took nearly a year to add the names and date, and finish the stone.

After her clean up of the plot she sat down beside him and lit a candle. She had wanted to bring something along but everything she could think of seemed tacky or cheap and not good enough to join the trusty windmill. She left Auckland empty-handed, but at one of the petrol stations on the way down, she remembered to buy a candle.

It was time to leave. She could hardly feel her fingers, and her legs were stiff. The candle was still flickering despite the breeze. She had managed to shelter it by placing it near the headstone out of the wind. She bent down and touched the letters that were sunken into the headstone, tracing his name with her fingers before resting on the last A for a moment.

"I love you, Tama," she whispered before pushing herself up. Her eyes were dry, as if the wind had dried them up, or maybe she was just too cold and tired to shed any more tears. She walked down the hill, oblivious to the rows of plots on her side, because the only one that mattered was the one with her son's name on it.

Cheryl was nearly at the bottom of the hill when a truck pulled up behind her car. It was Wayne's. She froze on the spot and watched as he got out, pausing for a moment as if he was having second thoughts, before heading towards her. He kept his eyes on the ground, following an invisible thread that lead the way up to Tama's resting place. She was convinced that he hadn't seen her. Maybe he was filled with dread about this upcoming visit and the sorrow it would inevitably bring to him, and wanted to get up to the plot as quickly as possible. But suddenly, he stopped ten metres below her and lifted his head.

"I thought you didn't want to come," he said just loud enough for her to hear. He resumed his walk up the hill without waiting for her answer until he stopped by her side, his eyes searching in vain for hers.

"I changed my mind," she said, watching the sheep across the valley as they were trying to get away from two farm dogs. Judd leaned over to brush his cheek against hers, a touch so light she barely felt it, but long enough for her to register the warmth of his skin. She remained on the same spot, trying to hold on to his warmth before it evaporated into the breeze.

Cheryl had never thought it possible, but the hurt, humiliation and anger after his betrayal with her daughter had turned from a constant pain to a slow hum until they completely vanished, or maybe they had been absorbed by her body and morphed into a memory. All that was left was an acceptance of the past as it happened, and it was neither good nor bad. It had become part of her history like Wolf and Helena and Tama, and she didn't need to fight it anymore.

Maybe that's why she was at ease around Judd. Or maybe it was the fact that to nobody's surprise, Judd's relationship with Pascalle had fizzled out. She left the country for the shores of the Sunshine State with the goal to revitalise her career as an inspirational TV star for the elderly. For a few months after, Judd had kept his distance to the Wests as if he wanted to sever all ties with them, but in the last couple of months, he had returned to the occasional West-do as a friend of the family like Eric, albeit much better looking and far more pleasant to be around.

Cheryl wasn't interested in the details of their break-up. She assumed that the age difference had played a part, and their personalities had clashed after the initial loved-up feeling of butterflies and fluffy bunnies.

"You coming?" he called. Cheryl turned around to see him nearly at the top.

"Yeah yeah." Reluctantly, she started to climb back up the slope she had only just walked down minutes earlier. She was cold and hungry and didn't feel like spending another hour up there with him.

She tucked her hands further into her cardigan and carried on. By the time she had reached the top after a few minutes, her chest was heaving and she could feel the pounding of her heart in her throat. Some warmth returned into her body, at least, while she was trying to catch her breath. Dark clouds had appeared in the sky, and with it a biting wind which had extinguished the candle, after all.

Judd stood in front of the grave, his head lowered and his shoulders trembling just enough for her to notice. She regretted following him up so quickly, but now she was here, she couldn't just leave him, could she?

She turned around to give him some privacy, but soon got cold and needed to move her feet. She slowly approached him until she stood by his side. They both looked down on Tama's plot in silence, and she listened to his sniffs as he fought the tears which kept running down his cheeks. Cheryl ached to comfort him, but if she followed her instincts, she would crumble like a sandcastle and end up in a heap.

After nearly two years of separation, a wall of silence and lost love divided them. They stood by their son's side and wept for him, like any parents that lost a child, but their grief was compounded by the fact that they had also lost each other.

As if the sombre moment wasn't enough, heavy drops of rain suddenly landed on Tama's headstone, leaving dark blotches behind which spread across its surface. The sky had turned dark, almost threatening.

"Let's go," she said, turning on her heels to start rushing down the hill, careful not to slip on the grass which had turned into a slippery slope within minutes. She didn't look back until she reached her car. She opened the door and sat down, Judd following her and sitting down in the passenger's seat.

"Bloody hell," she said, wiping her face with her hands. She looked across to him. His hair gleamed with wetness and his face was sprinkled with drops of rain.

"Might have to come back tomorrow," he said. "I didn't come all the way from Auckland to spend so little time here."

She was surprised.

"Are you staying?"

"Yes, down at the motel. What about you?"

"I'm heading back to Auckland after this."

His look told her that this was a crazy idea. It had been crazy from the start, but it was the only way she had convinced herself to make the long drive. Cheryl didn't want to spend the night here because it would mean another visit to Tama the next morning (she couldn't stay the night and then not go back the next day), and she didn't have the strength for that.

"You can't drive back now. Look at the weather."

There was no point arguing. To attempt to drive back to Auckland in this storm and her state of mind would be suicide.

"You should take a room and drive back tomorrow," he suggested.

"No way, I'm not going to spend a night in a fucking freezer room," she snorted.

"They do have heaters, you know."

"Still, they are dated and grubby, and there is no way I'm going to stay in one of them."

"So what are you going to do?"

"Don't know. I am hungry."

He took a deep breath as always when making a suggestion which he didn't know if it would be appreciated.

"Let's go to the motel, have a cuppa and dry off, and then have a meal at the Pub. Then you can head home, refreshed and in a better state of mind."

It was the most sensible thing to do. The thought of a cuppa was tempting, and it would be nice to change into some dry clothes.

"Okay, an hour, max," she said. "Then I'll be on the road."

He opened the car to get out.

"Follow me."

Judd pushed the key into the hole of the door and pushed the handle down, but it didn't open. Cheryl turned her head and pretended to look down the long dark corridor blinking away the tears of exhaustion which had filled her eyes yet again, much to her annoyance.

She had barely managed to follow Wayne's truck safely as tears kept on running down her cheeks, and her body shivered from the cold. Her cardigan was wet, and she could feel the cold seeping into her bones. The heater in her car had not managed to warm her up enough, and in between her fogged up windows and her blurry eyes she could barely keep up with Wayne. They had finally pulled into the motel, much to her relief, and on her way up the stairs and down the hall she had kept her head down to avoid looking at him.

"For fuck's sake, just open the fucking door!"

Her sudden outburst surprised her as much as Judd. She shook her head in annoyance, and when the door finally opened, she pushed in front of him to enter. A narrow entry with a door to the side led into the small unit. She took a gamble and lunged for the door to the side, hoping that this was the bathroom.

"Cheryl!"

His voice sounded more concerned than angry, but she wanted to be on her own and out of his sight. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was damp and stuck to her head as if she'd slept on it, and her face looked dreary and old.

She wanted to go home, into her familiar surroundings where she had been able to rebuild her life with the help of her family and friends. There was nothing in here that could comfort her, and the weight of Tama's death pushed her down once again into an abyss from which she feared she couldn't get out of on her own. Why had she come to Whanganui? She should have stuck with her original decision not to visit his grave. She couldn't handle it. It was too painful to face, on her own, and the fact that Wayne was here only made it worse. Too much had happened in the past two years, and her inability to talk about Tama after his death still weighed heavily on her.

"Cheryl? Are you okay?"

She took a deep breath and managed to utter a short "Yes" which must have reassured him, for she soon heard the noise of a jug heating up water for a hot drink. On the verge of exhaustion, her hands cold and clammy, she sat down on the toilet seat, her wet clothes stuck to her limbs, and the weight of the past two years on her shoulders. She wanted to lie down and go to sleep, but the shower was just there, more tempting than the cold bathroom floor. Cheryl turned it on, and when the room was filled with steam, she took off her wet clothes, dropping them on the floor, and stepped into the shower.

The hot water nearly burnt her, and she cursed under her breath because she was dying to get under the hot water, her whole body covered in goose bumps, but it was too hot until she had worked out how to adjust the shower mixer. She stepped under the shower head and let the water run over her hair and face, mindful to keep her hands out of the stream of hot water so they could get used to the heat slowly. It took her a long time to warm up and relax.

After what felt like an hour she turned the shower off and reached for a towel in the steamy bathroom. She dried herself off and rummaged through her bag to find her spare clothes crumpled, but dry. When she came out of the bathroom, a wall of cool air hit her.

Judd was sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard with a pillow tucked in between his back and the board, his eyes on the TV. She sat down near him, pulling her feet up to dry them properly, listening to the weather at the end of the news headlines where more rain and flooding was forecast.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

She nodded and gladly accepted the cup of tea he handed over. It had gone lukewarm, but when he offered to make a fresh one for her, she refused. They sat in silence, watching the afternoon programme. The hot shower had replaced the feeling of heaviness with an overwhelming tiredness. She struggled to keep her eyes open as she tried to listen to the instructions on screen on how to build a raised garden bed. She put the cup down on the bedside table and lowered herself onto a pillow. As soon as she closed her eyes, the commentary from the TV show turned into a soothing mumble, sending her off to sleep.

Cheryl woke up when she tried to pull up the blanket, realising that she was lying on top of it. Her body had cooled down since her shower, and she started to feel the chill from the cold motel room. It crept up her arms, covering them in goose bumps and making the hair on them stand up. She opened her eyes to look around for a blanket.

"Cold?" he asked, looking at her bare arms.

"Mmh."

"Hang on," he said and got up to walk around the bed. "You need to move off the blanket."

She rolled over while he pulled the blanket from under her body, and as he leaned over her, his arm brushed against hers. It was a touch so faint, she barely felt it, but it was enough to awaken her senses. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore what was right in front of her, fighting the unthinkable, but when he reached over her to cover her with the blanket, he came close enough for her to pick up his scent, a smell so familiar she longed to immerse herself in it, memories included. Cheryl was overcome by a need for his warmth, as if it was the only way to reassure her on this bleak day that life was worth living.

She leaned her head against his arm, closing her eyes while the warmth of his skin seeped through to her cheek, and the smell of him took her to a place she had forgotten about, but now that she found it again, she couldn't understand how she'd ever been able to be without it.

Without spending any thought on what was happening, she reached up and pulled him down on her, for this was what she was meant to do. At the very moment when the weight of his body pushed her down into the mattress, it hit her like a bomb how much she had longed for him ever since the day she went to jail. An ongoing ache in her finally came to an end, and her heart burst from anticipation and excitement.

She opened her eyes, and he was there, his eyes a lighter shade despite the fading daylight outside, his face close enough to feel his breath on her, and she only hesitated a second before reaching up to his lips, a softness longed for over months, but only fulfilled now, when she kissed him long enough to lose all awareness of time and place. No matter how much she had hurt, nothing was more natural than for her to seek comfort in him on this day, in this room, at this moment.

Afterwards Cheryl wouldn't let go of him, her legs wrapped around his, her arms around his back and her forehead below his chin. They hadn't spoken a word since he had offered her another cup of tea. The only thing that counted was to feel his stomach rise and fall against hers as they lay in bed, holding each other, waiting for sleep to come.

When Cheryl stirred later on, she was surprised that it wasn't morning, but pitch black both in and outside their unit. She shifted her arm which was getting numb under Judd's body, trying not to wake him. Everything about lying in bed with him at this moment was right, and she didn't want to disturb the bubble of belonging that was wrapped around her since she had pulled him on top of her. She opened her eyes, but it was too dark to see him. She lay in the dark for a while, listening to his regular breathing. After a long battle of wills trying to ignore her bladder she stole herself out from her warm nest and made it to the toilet. Her stomach was rumbling, reminding her that her last meal had been lunch many hours earlier. On her way back to bed, she looked around in search for a snack, but apart from the usual array of teabags, hot chocolate and instant coffee powder, there was only a small bottle of blue top milk and sugar.

She crawled back under the covers to warm up against Judd's body. He stirred and pulled her arm in.

"What is it?"

"Toilet," she said.

He sighed before getting up as well and disappeared into the bathroom. When he came back to bed, it was her turn to warm him up by cradling him with her stomach, his back against her.

"I'm bloody hungry," she said.

He chuckled. She gave him a nudge.

"You could find some food for us, can't you?"

He turned on the light and picked up his watch from the bedside table.

"Past midnight."

She sighed.

"I'm going to have to wait till tomorrow morning, won't I?"

"Looks like it, babe."

Judd turned the light off again, and they lay together in the darkness, listening to the rain outside their window. She pushed any thoughts about the next day out of her mind, relishing in the comfort of his body next to hers, and the warmth they created together in this cold and damp motel room. Her eyes were closed and she was waiting for sleep to come, but when he pulled his arm out from under her, his hand touched her breast.

Her body responded instantly. In the complete darkness around them, every sensation was amplified, and she savoured his touch without the distraction of her sight, grateful to have another chance to be with him.

Later, she lay in his arms, contented, the only worry in the world how on earth she would get to sleep with the rumbling in her stomach.

When she woke up, it was still dark outside. She stepped into the cold room and walked to the window, pushing a curtain aside to see that, in fact, the day was dawning. A strong wind lashed the trees across the forecourt, and rain fell from the sky in big sheets, leaving puddles behind on the cracked parking area.

Cheryl turned around and went into the bathroom. The floor was cold enough to make her stand on her tip-toes. She washed her face, got dressed and put some makeup on. It had barely taken her five minutes to get ready to leave, and it wasn't even seven o'clock yet. She came out of the bathroom to see Judd standing by the window, looking outside into a grey day.

"You're leaving?" he said, and before she answered she knew he wouldn't believe her.

"No, I was getting dressed."

She saw the disappointment in his eyes as he stared at her for a moment before turning around, shaking his head. It annoyed her that he made assumptions without listening to what she said.

"I really need something to eat."

Judd shrugged his shoulders.

"Obviously. Don't wait for me, then."

Cheryl walked around the bed to pick up her bag.

"Fine," she said without looking at him, and left through the door, down the stairs, to the cafe across the road.

She sat down at a table, feeling guilty about leaving Judd behind, but irritated about his suggestion that she was trying to sneak out without waking him. When a waitress approached her table, she ordered coffee and bacon and eggs for two.

When the coffees arrived, she took only a couple of minutes to finish hers before starting on his. Half-way through the second cup Judd turned up.

"I'll get you a fresh one," she said. He sat down opposite her, his hair wet and his face freshly shaved. He looked so good, she wanted to reach out to touch him, but instead Cheryl got up to order another coffee. When she returned to their table, the food had arrived. They both dug into their plates and ate without talking. Other people came in and bought take-away coffees, but they were the only people who occupied a table. Cheryl started to feel better, but the driving rain and strong wind outside did little to disperse the feeling of a miserable day.

"You okay?" he said when he had finished, pushing his plate into the middle of the table and picking up his cup. Cheryl put her fork down. Despite her hunger, it was too much for her to finish it all.

"Yeah, of course. You?"

Judd studied her for a while before answering.

"Yeah good." Without asking he took her plate and finished the rest of her breakfast.

They got up and paid for the meal before leaving through the front door, both walking in the same direction where their cars were parked. Cheryl got out her keys and unlocked her car, wondering how she could leave without a big farewell. He stood a few metres away, watching her.

"I better go," she finally said, looking down onto the wet ground.

"Drive safely," he replied.

"You too."

She sat down in her car and drove off, lifting her hand to wave goodbye as she drove past. The only good thing about the long drive back was that she had many hours ahead of her, and by the time she would arrive in Auckland, she would have had enough time to put this night behind her and pretend it never happened.

It was a gruelling drive which took all day. Cheryl found herself torn between elation about the night with Judd and frustration that she had allowed him to get so close. She smiled when she thought about the way he had touched her, and she got irritated how he accused her of leaving him in the morning. Her heart grew heavy as the distance between her and Tama increased, but she couldn't wait to get home into her own four walls. For every emotion she experienced, she went through an equivalent opposite within minutes.

By the time she drove along the North-Western Motorway, she knew how it all came to be: both she and Wayne were vulnerable after going through more sorrow for Tama on the hill. The time spent outside in the cold breeze coupled with the heavy rain had turned her into an ice block, and by the time she had arrived at the motel, she was so cold and emotionally exhausted that any comfort was welcome - a hot shower, a warm bed, and a human who had been through the same anguish as her. What better way to recover than with sex, sleep, and more sex?

In the morning reality set in, combined with her sickening feeling of hunger and a desperate urge to get home. The night with Judd had only been a temporary relief. It hadn't solved any problems; in fact, it had created new ones.

She was relieved that no one was at home when she pulled up late in the evening. She poured herself a Rum and Coke and sat down in front of the TV, glad that she had made it back safely. When she sunk into bed, she had convinced herself that the night with Wayne had been a physical reaction to their needs at the time, and that there was nothing more to read into it.


	2. Chapter 2

It took a whole week for Cheryl to understand that all wasn't the way she wanted it to be. It had started with a simple argument when Van and Elena had visited, followed by a falling-out with Loretta about babysitting Jane. Both of them had accused her of being erratic and unbearable to be around, and when Loretta left, she said that she better sort the shit in her head, or she wouldn't come back to visit any more.

The more Cheryl tried to push Judd out of her mind, the more she kept thinking about him. Long before she admitted to herself that it was more than physical attraction that night in Whanganui, she knew why she was so miserable: she missed him. At the end of the week, she felt confused and strangely disconnected from everything around her, as if she was sleepwalking, unaware of people and places around her. She decided that she needed to see him, hopeful that this would bring some kind of closure to her.

It was on the same day, after she had come to the conclusion that she needed to see him again, when her friends Kasey and Rochelle talked her into going out for a drink at the Rusty. Cheryl was not in the mood to socialise, but she gave into her friends' demands anyway. After two drinks and half an hour of pretending to be interested in her girlfriends' chit-chat, she gave up.

"Listen, you two go and get yourself another drink. I'm going home."

Kasey grabbed Cheryl's arm and pulled her back down on her seat.

"No way, you're not going anywhere, Cher."

"We've barely started, honey," Rochelle said.

"I'm just not in the mood, I'll spoil your night if I stay."

Kasey indicated that it was time for some more drinks. Rochelle got up and made her way to the bar.

"Look Cheryl, I didn't know how to say it, but now that you mentioned it..."

"What?"

"You've been acting kind of weird lately, you know. It's been hard talking to you, not knowing if you would bite our heads off any minute."

Cheryl hated that her bad mood since her encounter with Wayne had not gone unnoticed by them, but all her efforts at trying to shake it off had failed so far.

"I know. I've been kind of...unsettled."

"Miserable, more like."

Kasey took the drinks off Rochelle who had returned, and looked back at Cheryl.

"So what's going on?"

Cheryl took a sip from her Rum and coke.

"I went down to Whanganui a couple of weeks ago."

"Whanganui? Why the fuck would you go there?" Rochelle asked.

Kasey kicked her shin under the table.

"You went to see Tama?"

"Yes."

"But you said you didn't want to go."

"Yes, but I changed my mind at the last minute."

"Who did you go with?"

"On my own."

Kasey put her arm around her and gave her a squeeze.

"Oh Cher, you should have told us. We would have come down with you."

"Poor you, doing that trip all on your own. No wonder you've been acting all weird."

Cheryl straightened herself up.

"It was okay. I needed some time with him on my own, you know, it's easier to..."

"Let go?"

She didn't want to talk about the renewed despair she felt when she stood by his grave.

"Mm. Easier to let go if you're alone."

They sat in silence, sucking on their straws. Cheryl hoped that this was it, and that they would find a different topic to talk about before she would make another attempt to leave. She got up to buy some chips, and when she returned, both Rochelle and Kasey stopped talking at the same time. Cheryl sat down and opened the packet, passing it around for the others to help themselves.

Rochelle grabbed a handful and shook her head.

"I still can't believe you drove down there all by yourself, spent time with Tama, and then came back all by yourself."

Cheryl shook her head.

"I wasn't by myself all the time."

"Why, you just said you went on your own."

"I did, but Wayne arrived as I was about to leave, so I spent some time with him."

"You spent time with Wayne?"

"Yeah, he was the one who had asked me in the first place, so it wasn't surprising to see him. I mean, he's his son as much as mine, right? And it was the second anniversary."

Cheryl could feel the hostility of her girlfriends towards Wayne. Unlike her, they had never been able to forgive him for hooking up with Pascalle.

"What did Wayne say when he saw you?"

"The same as you."

"I bet he was surprised to see you."

"He was. But then we went back to Tama and didn't talk much."

"Was he upset?"

"What do you think? Of course he was upset."

"I still think you should have asked one of us to come along. It would have been better than to spend time with him."

"Kasey, it's okay. I don't hate him."

"Well, you should."

The subject of Wayne had lead to heated discussions between them before, and neither of them carried on. Instead, Rochelle took over the inquisition.

"So then you left him there, and came back to Auckland?"

"Well..."

Rochelle picked up on something in Cheryl's look even though she had tried her best to appear casual.

"Well what?"

"It started to rain, and I got really cold so I went back to his motel to have a hot shower."

Kasey looked at Rochelle who looked at Cheryl before turning back to face Kasey.

"Cheryl, please tell me you didn't..."

"Didn't what?"

"Didn't fuck him."

Both sets of eyes were on her, waiting for her to tell them that she had been strong enough to resist the temptation of him lying next to her, to ignore the smell that was so uniquely his, to not let herself be led by her need for some closeness after a harrowing day spent at Tama's grave. They would be disappointed. No use trying to lie to her friends. They would find out anyway, and besides, it was nothing to be ashamed of.

"So what if I did?"

Kasey threw her hands up in exasperation.

"Cher, I can't believe you did this!"

"Cheryl! How could you?"

"It was quite easy, really," she laughed.

How things had changed! Her friends who used to be up for any one-night stand before settling down with their respective husbands had turned into a moral hit-squad.

Rochelle took a gulp from her drink.

"You know Cheryl, I hate to ask this, but I have to..."

"Go on."

"How could you let him touch you when he's been there, you know, with Pascalle?"

She was about to respond when Kasey doubled-up.

"Yeah, how could you bear his dick inside you when you know he's been inside her?"

Cheryl was too amused by their reactions to be shocked.

"Again, it was pretty easy, really."

"It was him, wasn't it?" Kasey said.

"Him?"

"He hit on you first? I mean, he started it and got you hooked, and before you knew it, you were shagging?"

"Actually, it was the other way around."

"Oh no, Cheryl!"

"How could you?"

"I was a wreck. I needed comfort, and what better way than to have sex?"

"Yeah, sex is understandable, but with him?"

"Who else would you suggest?"

"Anyone but him, of course, Cheryl."

"Well, it wasn't something I had planned but it turned out the way it did, and I don't regret it."

"So have you seen him since?"

"No."

"Good. Stay away from him, or he'll think he can have you any time he likes."

"Relax, Rochelle. It was just sex, right? Nothing more, just good old sex."

This was the perfect time for Cheryl to make a move. She picked up her bag, gave both of her girlfriends a hug and rushed away before neither of them could say anything else.


	3. Chapter 3

On her way home from grocery shopping the next day, Cheryl turned off into a different street, following her instinct to do something about the confusion she had been experiencing over the last couple of weeks. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision to deviate from her usual way home, and she was glad that it didn't take her long to reach the place where Judd lived, or she might have changed her mind. Cheryl pulled in on the side of the road, turned off the engine and sat in her car. She wasn't sure what relief seeing him would bring, but there was nothing to lose.

She looked up at the house, pleased to see his truck in the driveway at the back of the house. As she walked up the steps to the front door, she dreaded that he would come out, in a hurry to go somewhere, and she would look out-of-place and stupid standing on his doorstep.

But everything around the house was quiet, and she couldn't hear a sound coming from the inside. She pushed the doorbell and waited. There were no footsteps indicating that he was coming to the door, so when he opened it, Cheryl was surprised, and faced with his astonished look, lost for words.

"Cheryl?"

She was frozen on the steps, unable to speak until he released her by asking her to come in. She walked past him, and cursed herself for being stupid enough to come here and make a fool of herself, especially since she hadn't managed to say a word yet.

"Wayne, I...", she opened her mouth but failed to carry on. She turned to look at him, his face framed by his dark hair, and the eyes that seemed to change their degree of darkness depending on the light of day and his state of mind. At the moment they were light, almost bright, searching her face for clues as to why she was here.

"Can I get you a drink?" he asked.

She took a step towards him.

"No thanks."

He was standing mere metres away, and nothing was as it had been just minutes ago. Cheryl was busy trying to work out what had changed, when her feet moved forwards, and her heart took a leap. She stood in front of him, convinced that he would pick up the sound of her heartbeat which was racing at the speed of light, and it dawned on her how foolish she had been, thinking that seeing him would be enough to make her feel better.

A magnetic energy came from him, drawing her closer with every breath she took. There was no time to think about the unexpected forces at work as she forgot to breathe, making her feel delirious, even more aware of his presence. She inched another step forwards, and their hands touched, as a hundred million sparks electrified her, sending shocks through her body. She put her hands on his hip and rested her forehead on his chest, sucking in air in an attempt to control the storm which was raging through her body. The smell of him brought tears to her eyes despite the electricity that flickered in her stomach.

Every cell in her body urged her to continue what she had started. She pressed her nose into the familiar hollow by his neck, getting close to the source of this magic scent that was his. Judd took her hands and squeezed them lightly before pulling her in. She closed her eyes, wrapped in a world of soft skin and a smell of coming home, and the weight of his arms around her. She put her lips on his neck, resting there as if it would be enough to satisfy her need to be close to him, but it wasn't - she started to kiss him on his neck where the skin was softest.

"I missed you... so much."

The words came out before she'd even formed an intention of saying them - they summed up everything about the past two weeks, the only words she said to him before she lifted her chin and kissed him on his lips, just once. When he didn't return her kiss, she rested her cheek on his, as if she could extend the sweet anticipation she was experiencing, but she didn't last long, for his lips where right there, ready to be kissed again and again until he responded. Cheryl started to work on the buttons of his jeans when he took her hand, stopping her in the middle. She looked up, puzzled, but only until Judd led her over to his bedroom where he pushed her down onto the bed, pulling off her jeans and top and taking his clothes off. He ran his hands along her thighs to pull down her knickers, and only when she felt his weight on her, finding his way to complete her, did the feeling of unhappiness and disconnect that she had been experiencing over the past couple of weeks disappear.

They had fallen asleep in each other's arms. When Cheryl woke up, she cherished lying in his arms, looking at his chest rising and falling. After a long time, she sat up on the bed, looking around to find her clothes. Judd stirred, and Cheryl knew that he would wake up soon. This time, she wanted to make sure he knew she was leaving, not giving the impression of trying to sneak out.

When he woke up, he saw her straight away, and a frown appeared on his forehead. She lifted her hands in innocence.

"Not trying to sneak out at all, see," she said, indicating that she was slowly getting dressed.

He stretched his arms before reaching out for her, running his fingers up and down the inside of her arm. His eyes remained on her while she put her clothes on.

"What?" she said when she was dressed.

"Where is all this going to lead, Mrs West?" he said.

She shrugged her shoulders and got to her feet.  
>"It's just a bit of nookie, Wayne," she said before bending down and kissing him on his shoulder. She left without looking at him again.<p>

* * *

><p>For the first time since her return from Whanganui, Cheryl was able to think clearly. When she returned from Judd's house, she unpacked the groceries and did the washing and other chores around the house.<p>

The most pressing thing was getting her fish pie dinner ready for the kids who came over that night. She was looking forward to having her flock around her plus the usual add-ons.

When they were finally all sitting around the table, it turned out to be noisy as usual with arguments and lots of laughter. It was after pudding when Jethro suddenly got up and lifted his glass.

"I'd like to say a few words," he started, but his family members chose to ignore him. "Oi!" he shouted at them when they wouldn't stop talking, and he hinted at an envelope which he was holding behind his back.

"What's this?" Cheryl asked, looking around the table, but nobody else seemed surprised.

"Mum, we've noticed that lately, you've been really worn out and unhappy. We figured that maybe it was because of Tama's anniversary. Maybe it's just because you haven't had a holiday in ages. Or maybe it's because you haven't really had a proper holiday away ever."

Jethro was right. She couldn't remember when she last had a holiday.

"So Van, Loretta and I decided that you needed some time to chill out, which is why we bought you a ticket to Australia."

All eyes were on Cheryl who was lost for words. In her state of confusion she hadn't noticed how worried her kids had been for her. It came as a big surprise that they would do such a thing for her. Usually, they were too preoccupied with their own problems to notice what was going on in their mum's life.

"Australia?"

"Yep, the Gold Coast. We booked your ticket, and accommodation is organised for you over there."

"I don't know what to say," she said. Cheryl was moved, not so much by the fact that she was going to Australia, but by the concern her children had shown for her. She stood up and pushed her chair back to go around the table and hug the kids.

When they all sat down again, Jethro lifted his glass.

"To you, Mum!"

The rest of them joined in. Cheryl turned to Loretta.

"So what kinds of accommodation have your organised?"

"You better ask Jethro. He's jacked it all up."

"Jethro?"

"I think it's an apartment. Don't worry, it's all organised. Even pick-up from the airport."

"Really?"

"Wolf kindly offered his services."

"Wolf? What the fuck is he doing on the Gold Coast? I thought he lived in Perth?"

"Well, he has moved."

"When is this holiday booked for?"

"You're leaving on Saturday."

"Saturday! Are you nuts? I can't go on a holiday at such short notice!" She didn't like the idea of being pushed.

"Why not?"

"Because...because I have to get ready."

"Three days are enough to get ready, Mum."

"What about Janey? I'm supposed to look after her for two days next week."

Hayden turned to her.

"Don't worry, Cheryl, it's all under control."

Cheryl couldn't think of any other arguments. Australia was calling, and there was not a single reason for her not to go.

* * *

><p>Over the next three days Cheryl was sorting out her wardrobe, trying to figure out what to take on her holiday. She was going away for two weeks, and she wasn't sure what kind of weather to expect, so she packed a bit of everything - summer clothes, dresses, and some warm stuff as well.<p>

Rochelle talked her into buying a bikini - Cheryl was adamant that she wouldn't wear it, but Rochelle had been so persistent that she gave in and let her come along on a shopping mission.

To her surprise, she found one that suited her in the first shop they went to which left them plenty of time to have a coffee. When they sat down at one of the coffee shops in the mall, Rochelle grabbed her by the wrist and smiled at her.

"I can't believe you're going to Aussie, Cher."

Cheryl returned her smile.

"I know! I wish you could come along though, it would be so much more fun."

"You'll be fine. Wolf will look after you, don't worry."

Cheryl wasn't quite sure what to expect of him. She didn't mind seeing him - it would be interesting to find out what he was up to. She hadn't heard from him since her release from prison, so she had assumed that he was still in Perth.

"Are you excited?" Rochelle asked.

"Of course I am! I really hope for some warmth and sunshine."

"You'll get plenty of that, don't worry."

Cheryl loved Rochelle for her enthusiasm. She wished she had her optimism and outlook on life sometimes. It would have been a bonus if she and Kasey could have joined her on this trip, but maybe it was something they could work towards, in a few years.

"Do you think I should tell Judd?"

"Judd? Why would you tell him?"

"So he knows that I'll be away for a couple of weeks."

"What's it to him? I mean, it's not like you are seeing each other, is it?"

"No, but what if he finds out from someone else?"

"That'll be a good lesson for him. He'll know that you're not hanging around for him."

"Why would he think that, anyway, Rochelle?"

"Well, after your encounter down in Whanganui, he might expect you to make yourself available for him."

"Rochelle, that's the most stupid thing you've said in a long time."

"You did ask, Cheryl."

Cheryl agreed, and moved on to a different topic. Rochelle was definitely the wrong person to ask about Judd. Of course she would say no.

When she returned home, she put the new bikini in her suitcase along with a new beach towel. She went over her mental checklist for the hundredth time, and after convincing herself that she had everything, she zipped up the suitcase and moved it to the front door. It would be an early start the next morning. Jethro would pick her up and take her to the airport.

She was excited about the trip, especially the prospect of time spent in the sun and on the beach. Her kids had been right - a break would be good for her. Some time just for her to replenish and look after herself. There was only one thing she needed to do before she could go to bed - ring Judd. She picked up the phone and dialled his number, but as the phone rang, she had second thoughts. What was she going to say to him? That she was going to Australia to spend time with Wolf? How would that make him feel? Before she answered any of those questions, she hung up. Fact was, she didn't know what to say, and it wasn't like they had made any commitment to each other. He probably wouldn't even notice that she was gone. Two weeks were not that long.

She decided to leave it and went to bed.

* * *

><p>A few days after Cheryl's departure, Judd bumped into Van down at the shops after work.<p>

"You better hurry, Van, or Cheryl will be telling you off for not being home in time for fish pie," he joked.

Van chuckled.

"No such luck for us ordinary Wests. She's going to cook fish pie for someone very special tonight."

"What do you mean?"

"Dad is probably helping her as we speak."

"Wolf?"

"Haven't you heard? She's in Aussie now, courtesy of her kids. I'm sure Wolf is doing a great job looking after her."

"What? When did that happen?"

"She left Saturday morning and won't be back for a fortnight."

Judd frowned.

"She never mentioned it to me."

"Why should she?"

Judd mumbled a good-bye and returned to his truck.

Not many things in life could unsettle Wayne Judd. He was pretty laid back, and could handle most difficult situations as long as he was able to deal with them in his own way and time. Wolf was one of the few exceptions, even after all the time that had passed since he had taken Cheryl off him. It was the fear, deep down, that Cheryl had loved Wolf more than she had loved him, even though she had chosen to stay with Judd for a long time, and never returned to Wolf. But he couldn't compete with Wolf's track record - four kids with her, and married for over twenty years - and it was that feeling of inadequacy which underpinned his fear.

It wasn't that he'd laid a claim on her - there had been no promises from either of them, in fact, they hadn't spoken since she had turned up at his house the other day. They hadn't really talked much at all before they ended up in bed, again, as if that was the only form of communication with each other. And when he'd asked where this would lead, she'd said "It's just a bit of nookie, Wayne."

Now he was faced with the fact that she had gone to Australia for a holiday, and that, according to Van, she would be spending at least some of her time there with Wolf. It still riled him how Cheryl had made contact with Wolf when she was in prison. The feeling of betrayal sat so deep, he couldn't quite get rid of it, even though on a rational level, he had long moved on from it. To hear that Cheryl was spending considerable time with him, alone, or rather, away from family or friends who could keep an eye on her, was disturbing. He cursed himself for letting her get close to him again because it meant that he now cared.

What was most infuriating, though, was the fact that she hadn't mentioned her trip to Australia to him. It was one of her most annoying traits - keeping things to herself, doing whatever she wanted with no regard for others. Why had she turned up at his doorstep when she knew she was going to meet up with Wolf shortly? Cheryl knew how he felt about Wolf. It was as if she'd done it on purpose - she must have known that he would find out from Van, eventually.

Judd turned on the engine and drove off, wound up and in a foul mood. What did it matter, anyway? For all he cared, Cheryl could hang out with whoever she wanted, as long as she didn't expect him to welcome her back with open arms if she turned up at his doorstep again.

* * *

><p>Cheryl turned over in her bed, stretching her arm which had been bent at an awkward angle while she was asleep. She lifted her head to look out the window. It was another beautiful day in paradise with the sun rising above the ocean and the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafting into her room. Wolf pulled out all his tricks in order to make her feel special, and to a large degree, he succeeded. Still, there were many thoughts in her head that he didn't know about, and all his efforts and cavorting couldn't get rid of the one feeling that dominated all others since her arrival in Australia: that she was in the wrong country with the wrong man, and that she needed to get home to sort her real life out.<p>

For this, here, was not real life. It was sunshine, warmth and free booze. It was meaningful looks by ragged blokes in the pub, and dances with Wolf, and pretending to be interested in his new life. It was a holiday, and whatever she did - swimming with the dolphins, taking surfing lessons (which she miserably failed) - it didn't feel real.

She heard a knock on the door and sat up in her bed. Wolf came in with a cup of coffee. He put it on the bedside table and sat down beside her. Even after all the years of separation from him, it felt natural that he would sit by her side like this, looking at her in her silky nightie as she took a sip from the coffee.

"Good Morning, love," he said.

"Thanks."

"You look beautiful, Mrs West."

She looked up, irritated. "Wolf, I just woke up."

He kept his eyes on her while she picked up her cup of coffee and had a drink. His unapologetic look was unsettling, and the blue of his eyes as intense as the first time she'd met him at her parents' dairy.

"So? Everything about you is beautiful."

He touched her arm and moved his hand up until he reached her shoulders, waiting to see if she would react. Cheryl kept her eyes on his while he slowly moved across her collarbone, running his fingers along until he reached the little dip by her throat.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

Wolf leaned forwards until his face was right by hers.

"Shhh," he said before kissing her on her cheek, followed by a kiss on her lips. Cheryl observed herself from the outside, waiting for her body to respond to his touch, wanting to let loose and enjoy his company.

But when Cheryl closed her eyes, expecting the arrival of a familiar sweet tingle in her insides, all she could see was Judd, how he'd looked at her and asked "Where is this going to lead, Mrs West?"

She felt Wolf's hand between her thighs and his lips on hers, but she could only think of Judd, and Wolf's advances left her cold.

"Wolf, stop...," she said, pushing herself up on the bed and turning her head away from him. He didn't react, one hand between her legs and the other one on her side, showering her neck with little kisses.

"I said stop," she repeated, and this time, he looked up and stared at her for a while before turning away and taking a breath.

"You're a hard woman, Cheryl."

"Let's stop here before this gets embarrassing."

"I'm not embarrassed, Cheryl. I've never been embarrassed about my feelings for you. You, on the other hand..."

"What?"

"Nothing. I shouldn't have made assumptions."

"No, you shouldn't."

They sat in silence for a while, and just before Wolf pushed himself up, he turned to her and said.

"Are you seeing someone?"

She narrowed her eyes, looking at him sideways.

"No."

He got up and left her to herself.

Cheryl slid down in her bed and pulled the duvet over her head. It hit her like a ton of bricks. "It's just a bit of nookie, Wayne," she had said to him back in West Auckland. As if all she wanted was sex.

Now she found out that it wasn't the sex she was after - she could have had plenty of it with Wolf, but she wasn't even mildly interested. She wanted Judd, not for the sex, but because she loved him more than anything, and if it had taken Wolf's unapologetic advances on her to finally work it out, she was grateful to Wolf for his indirect help in sorting out her feelings.

Waves of relief swept over Cheryl as she understood why she had been feeling so restless and disconnected. She had fallen in love with him all over again against all odds and common sense, and it had taken a trip to Australia and an ex-husband who was keen to get it on with her, to work it out.

She regretted her comment about a bit of nookie, and she hadn't even told him about her trip to Australia. What would he think if he found out?

Cheryl spent her final days in Australia feeling miserable when she should have been enjoying herself, making the most of the warmth and the sunshine. While Wolf didn't hold a grudge against her for refusing him, the previous openness between them had given way to a more distant way of talking to each other. When he dropped her off at the airport at the end of her stay, he pulled her into his chest and kissed her on the cheek.

"Take care, love. And whatever is going on in your head, sort it, or you'll never smile again."

It had been foolish to think that she could hide her misery from Wolf.

* * *

><p>During Cheryl's absence, Judd kept busy in a vain attempt to push Cheryl out of his mind, but he couldn't let it go.<p>

"It's just a bit of nookie, Wayne," she had said, a slap in the face, even now, nearly ten days later. It wasn't just the content, but the way she had said it. There had been no nervous laughter or look with it which would have been an indication that she was only trying to fish for a comment from him.

Who was she to choose what just sex was? She didn't even ask him what he thought before she had walked out on him. In a moment of weakness and need he had let her in, and now he regretted it. Just a bit of nookie? More like "Just a bit of nothing", that's what he would give her.

They would never make a couple again, how could they? They had tried to make it work twice, and failed miserably, what was the point in trying again? They might have a good time, be fooled into believing that everything was fine until some crisis would come up, as it always did, and throw everything overboard. Then they would be left reeling, again.

He couldn't go through this anymore. The ups and downs of these emotions had left their mark on his soul. Drastic actions were called for, even if it meant more hurt for her. Did it really matter? After all, he'd already hurt her in the worst possible way, it couldn't really get any worse.

* * *

><p>A few days later, just as Judd took the last sip of his coffee and carried the cup over to the sink together with his plate, he heard a knock on his front door. He opened it and found Cheryl standing there, her mouth turning into a beaming smile as she looked up at him.<p>

"Hi Wayne," she said, her eyes brimming with what he called the Cheryl-factor - a mixture between excitement, confidence and mischief. She looked stunning in the white lace-top which stood out from her tanned body, and one of her rare smiles that she seemed to save for special occasions. For a moment he found himself caught by her allure, ready to return her greeting with an equally warm welcome home, but just in time, he reminded himself of the decision he'd made about her earlier on.

"Cheryl," he replied in a tone which could be described as neutral - it wasn't an overly friendly greeting, but it could be interpreted as a response to the surprise of her standing at his door just after eight o'clock in the morning when ordinary people went to work. Judd held onto the doorknob - a physical barrier to keep her out of his house because his willpower alone might not be enough. She looked at his hand on the door, a quiet confidence in her stance while waiting to be let in.

"Can I come in?"

He hesitated.

"Umm, I'm on my way out, Cheryl. I really don't have time."

She gave him another one of her splendid smiles, and his resolve nearly melted away, for he wanted to know the reason behind the spark in her eyes and the aura of energy around her. She put her hand on his arm and took a step towards him.

"This won't take long, I promise."

Maybe it was the fact that she was still beaming at him even though he had told her he was in a hurry, an infuriating trait of hers to not take no for an answer; or maybe it was his frustration about her trip to Australia and her lack of honesty about it. Suddenly, there was nothing endearing about her confident mission to conquer his house, and he raised his arms in frustration, throwing them up in the air.

"Cheryl, I said I don't have time for this."

The smile on her face froze, and he could tell by the fleeting insecurity which hushed across her eyes that she was surprised at the volume and tone of his voice. Yes, his voice had been louder than he wanted it to be, but he had to do something since she had ignored him before.

"Wayne, I...," she started again, but he wouldn't let her finish.

"Cheryl, if you're here for a shag, it ain't gonna happen."

He turned on his heels and went back inside to grab his keys and jacket, and returned to the door, closing it behind him. She looked equally bewildered now as she had looked stunning just a minute ago.

"I have to go now," he said and left her standing in front of his closed door.


	4. Chapter 4

There was no one Cheryl could share her misery with - Kasey and Rochelle were hardly the appropriate support at the moment so she kept her state of confusion to herself, but it didn't go unnoticed by the people around her. They commented on how tired she looked, and that she should have stayed in Australia for longer because she seemed more exhausted than before.

Her body soon lost the tan and freshness from her holiday, and her eyes never sparkled again like they did when she got off the plane. Instead, she turned grey in her face, her look was sombre and the days when she wore makeup were soon outnumbered by the days when she didn't bother.

Cheryl had hardly any appetite, and reverted back to chain-smoking. She lost weight and was unhappy most of the time, wanting to get rid of the longing for Judd and returning to her new normality of being happily single before the events in Whanganui.

Three weeks after her return from Australia, Cheryl looked more worn out than ever before. Most days, she could hardly look at herself in the mirror. Her pride was hurt, as well. Judd hadn't given her a chance to tell him what she wanted to say. It was time to take action and confront him.

One evening, she drove down to his house and knocked on his door. In the car, she had rehearsed what she wanted to say to him, and she was determined not to let him fob her off until she had finished.

When Judd opened the door and saw her, he didn't even smile or try to hide the irritation in his look.

"You?" he said, as if she was the last person on Earth to knock on his door.

"Wayne, I need to talk to you," she said, looking straight into his eyes.

"Cheryl, there is nothing else to say."

"Please, Wayne, let me just explain..."

"No, Cheryl. You've turned up here on my doorstep, again, and want me to drop everything. It's not going to happen, Cheryl."

She looked at him in confusion, alarmed that he didn't even let her finish.

"But I just wanted to tell you that I didn't mean...," she started again.

"I don't want to hear it, Cheryl. There is nothing left to be said between us."

Cheryl was dumbfounded when she found herself standing on his doorsteps, yet again, after he'd left her there. People didn't usually walk out on her, and it was only thanks to her pride and stubbornness that she didn't sink into a deeper hole. She decided to track him down in public where he couldn't walk away. Nothing was more important than telling him how she felt, and she was prepared to make a fool of herself if it meant she could talk to him.

She followed him to work the next day, and bailed him up after he had locked his truck. They were standing in the street, eyeing each other up, both waiting for the other to say something first. She had forced this encounter on him, and now it was up to her to make her case.

"It wasn't just sex," she started, thinking how lame this sounded. "I said it because I couldn't see where else it would lead with you, to protect myself from getting emotionally involved."

He was still there, looking at her.

"I realised it in Australia, when Wolf wanted to..."

"Did you sleep with Wolf?" he interrupted her, raising his head suddenly.

"I could have, but I wasn't interested. That's when I clicked. It wasn't the sex, it was the person I wanted. The one that I love."

He didn't show any sign that he'd heard.

"Nothing's ever been more important than telling you this. I wanted to come back straight away to tell you, and then you wouldn't even bloody listen. "

Judd took his eyes off her and looked around the street, his face ashen as if he was feeling unwell. She raised her hand and touched his face.

"Look at me. Please."

Cars were driving past, and children were running on the grass verge on their way to school but Cheryl didn't notice any of it.

"I love you, Wayne, and that's all there is to it." She lifted her other hand to hold him but he turned and started to walk away. She followed him, grabbing him by the arm.

"Talk to me. Just say something, for Christ's sake."

He stopped and turned to face her.

"I don't have the energy, Cheryl. Not anymore. I can't bear the ups and downs. I'd rather be alone than going through that heartache again." She stared at him, a tingling feeling in the back of her head alerting her to the brutal reality of what he just said.

"How can you think like that?"

"How can I not think like that, Cheryl? Two chances we've had at making it work, and look at us. Think of all the hurt we've inflicted upon each other." He paused, and studied her face for a while, as if there was something new he'd just discovered about her. "The extent of the hurt is only equalled by the love I had for you, Cheryl. But I can't go back."

There was nothing she could think of to counter that, and when he turned away she knew that this was it.

"I'm sorry, Cheryl," he said as he left her standing on the footpath, feeling small and lonely.

* * *

><p>Cheryl was lying on the bed as she had been increasingly often, drifting in and out of sleep when someone came in through the front door.<p>

"Mum?", she heard a voice call, but in her half-sleep she couldn't tell whether it was Van or Jethro. She opened her eyes and pushed herself up, squinting at the glary daylight coming in through the windows. She rubbed her eyes and ran her fingers through the hair. Her mouth was dry, and when she spotted herself in the mirror, she turned away.

"Mum! There you are," Van said as he came in and stopped short of proceeding into her bedroom when he saw her. "What are you doing?"

"Having a nana nap," she tried to smile but it felt more like a grimace.

"You look like shit, Mum," Van said.

"Thanks, love. Just what I wanted to hear." She heaved herself up from the bed and pushed past him, down the hall to the bathroom, where she took her time to wash her face and spruce herself up.

When she emerged, she felt slightly better. She turned into the lounge to find Van, but he wasn't there. He was sitting on her bed in the bedroom. She joined him, and for a while they sat in silence.

"Mum, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you having nana naps in the middle of the day?"

"Why not?"

"You're not the kind of woman to have naps during the day."

"I am a nana, Van."

"You've been a nana for ages."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You're different. Something's changed."

She wouldn't be able to pretend that everything was fine.

"I'm just a bit, you know, tired."

"Tired? You've never been tired."

"Yeah, well, I'm not getting younger."

"Bullshit. It's something else."

"Well, fill me in then since you seem to be the expert here."

"Okay. When was the last time you talked to Judd?"

"Don't know. Why?"

"'Cause I think he's the reason for your... tiredness."

"What?"

"Mum, it's so obvious even Loretta noticed it. You're miserable because you want him back."

"Van, that is ridiculous. He broke my heart. Why would I want him back?"

"Because you love him."

She looked down on her hands.

"And you want him back. You're so miserable because you either haven't told him, or he doesn't want to."

She didn't reply for a long time, trying to find a way out so she wouldn't have to discuss her predicament with Van. But there was no way out, and what was the point in denying it when he had hit the nail on the head?

"I have told him."

"And?"

"He says he can't handle the ups and downs and the heartbreak. We've had two chances, and he doesn't want to try a third time."

"What an idiot!"

"You tell him that."

"I will, don't worry."

Van put his hand on Cheryl's knee.

"But you can't give up, Mum. You have to fight for him."

"How?"

"Tell him how you feel."

"I already have. He wouldn't even listen to me."

"Since when did you ever stop trying when you believed in something?"

"I'm just trying to move on, Van."

"How can you say that? You love him?"

"Yes."

"Does he love you?"

"Obviously not."

"Is that what he said?"

"No, he was talking about the ups and downs and the heartbreak."

"He does love you, then."

"How do you know?"

"'I don't love you anymore,' that's what he would have said. Instead, he waffled on about the ups and downs and the heartbreak and all that bullshit. "

"I don't think so."

"Definitely, Mum."

"What do I do now?"

"Fight for him. Tell him how everything would have been in vain if you can't find your way back together."

She looked at him, unsure what he meant.

"Tama, Gerard, your time in jail, Pascalle... It would have been for nothing. Now you know how to get it right, you need another chance."

"But do we? Know how to get it right?"

Van took hold of both her shoulders and looked straight into her eyes.

"Mum, if you don't, then you're both stupid idiots and don't deserve any happiness ever!"

* * *

><p>Judd looked at his watch and took the last sip of his beer. Had Van forgotten his meeting with him? He'd already texted him twice but there was no reply. He got up and ordered another drink when Van came in.<p>

"The van broke down," he said. "Took us a while to find someone with jumper leads."

"You don't have any in your van?" Judd asked.

"Someone nicked them."

"Never mind." He pointed his glass towards the table he'd sat at before, and they both sat down, drinking from their beers before Judd started to talk about work. He sensed a distance between them, but brushed it aside as the usual warm-up after not having seen much of Van lately.

"So, what's the emergency?" He finally asked.

"Emergency?"

"You really wanted to meet with me today."

"I just thought we haven't caught up for a long time and..."

"Van, don't piss me around," Judd interrupted.

Van was considering all the options before carrying on.

"It's about Mum," he said. Judd raised his head and frowned, instantly worried that something might have happened to Cheryl.

"What about her?"

Van played with the coaster, making it twirl on the table in front of them.

"Van!"

"Alright, but promise you won't say a word to her..."

"Okay."

"Wayne!"

"I promise."

"She's gone all weird, you know."

"What do you mean?"

"She sleeps during the day."

"Yeah, what wrong with that?"

"She's never done that before!"

Judd narrowed his eyes and stared at him.

"Van, if you're here to tell me that Cheryl sleeps during the day, I'm going to have to go." He made a move to get up but Van grabbed him by the arm.

"Wayne, she's different. You know, in the head."

"Well, aren't we all different...?"

"No, you don't understand. She's all tired and...not yelling and swearing and bossing anyone around..."

"I thought you'd be pleased about that."

"No, she's just sitting around. Some days she doesn't even get out of her PJs."

"Cheryl doesn't wear PJs."

"You know what I mean. She doesn't get dressed properly or puts make up on."

Judd remembered how he used to like it when Cheryl wasn't all done up.

"Maybe she's just taking it easy, Van."

"No, I don't think so."

"Why are you telling me that? What do you want me to do?"

"I think she is kind of depressed. And I'm blaming you for it."

"Me? What have I done?"

"You should ask yourself that."

"Van, I just did."

"Well, I think you are really selfish and stupid for not getting back together with her."

"Van, this is none of your business."

"Actually, Wayne, it is my business because she is my mum, and she's suffering because you won't accept that you two belong together."

"So it's my fault she's depressed?"

"Yes. She wants you, and I know you want her too, but you're too bloody stupid to admit it with your stupid bloody pride and your stupid bloody fear of commitment."

Judd stared at him. If his anger hadn't been directed at him, he would have been proud how Van stood up for his mum.

"I don't need any relationship advice from you, Van." He got up and took his jacket.

"Yeah, walk away, Wayne. That's what you always do. If you had any guts, you would go and see her and sort it with her."

* * *

><p>Cheryl didn't like Van's advice. She had never been one to chase after a man, they usually chased after her. Why should she have to fight for Judd? He should bloody well come to his own senses and realise that this would be the best for both of them.<p>

So she waited to hear back from him, hoping that Van would be able to convince him to talk to her. Every time the phone rang, she was expecting it to be Judd, but he never rang or visited. Nothing happened.

She felt more and more deflated, and the times when she found it hard to get motivated became more frequent. She was usually up and busy in the mornings, but after lunch, it was harder to keep up morale. The best days were the ones she spent with Jane. The little girl was a delight, and Cheryl couldn't image what life would be like without her. On more days than not, Jane was her only purpose, and when she wasn't around, Cheryl felt obsolete, useless. It was on those days that she would lie down on her bed because she couldn't think of anything else to do. She had no energy to go out, and more often than not, she spent the whole afternoon sleeping or dozing in her bed, and when she woke up, she felt awful and even more useless. It would take her hours to finally get back up and do her chores, and if someone came around, they usually commented on her bad mood or on the way she looked.

Cheryl hated it, and every day she lay down, she swore that this would be the last day, and she would keep busy, but things never changed, and her feelings of guilt and uselessness worsened.

It was on one of those days when Kasey called in by surprise, and found her in her bedroom, half-dressed, her hair in a mess, and her mood at a new low.

"Cher! What's wrong?" she said, her voice full of concern.

"Kase! What are you doing here?"

"Are you sick?"

Cheryl looked up at her.

"Kind of."

"Oh my God, look at you. What's wrong? Do you need anything?"

"A cuppa would be nice."

Kasey left for the kitchen, and Cheryl slumped back into her pillows, glad that she had been able to fool her friend into thinking that she was sick. She wasn't ready to admit to herself what was going on, let alone to any of her friends.

The fear of being found out drove her out of her bedroom and into the bathroom where she refreshed herself, and when she emerged, she looked half-way normal.

"Thanks," she said as she took the cup Kasey held up for her.

"What's going on, Cher?"

Cheryl sat down on the sofa and put her feet on the coffee table.

"Just feeling a bit unwell, don't worry. I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow."

Kasey squinted as she looked at her in suspicion.

"You look alright now, compared to before."

"Well, I was having a rest, you know..."

Cheryl took a sip of her tea, hoping that Kasey would buy into her story, and leave her alone. She closed her eyes and put her hand to her forehead, pretending to have a headache.

Two days later, Cheryl spent another afternoon on her bed, thinking about the mess she left in the kitchen after lunch, and the washing that needed to be put away. She didn't know how long she'd been lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling, but it had been more than a couple of hours. She closed her eyes, but not for long, because it didn't take long for her to be overcome by a hopelessness which was suffocating her. She soon reverted to her usual pastime of staring at the ceiling until her eyes watered, blinking in between to give them a brief rest.

It was during one of those rests for her eyes when she spotted a shadow in the doorframe. Her first thought was that she was truly going mad, and that it was her imagination playing tricks on her, but when she looked again, she saw Judd standing in the doorframe, watching her. She jumped up, pulled her t-shirt around her and glared at him, lost for words until her heart rate slowed down, and she caught her breath.

"What the fuck are you doing in here?" she hissed at him, backing herself into the corner of her bedroom.

"I called in to see you, and the front door was open, so I came in, and then I found you here like this...," he said, his eyes dark and troubled.

"Like this?"

"Yeah, you know, all spaced-out and everything...I am worried about you."

She glared at him.

"Are you now?"

"Of course. Look at you, Cheryl. You're all..." He stopped short of saying what he was really thinking.

"What?"

"Sad."

"Sad? Is that what you call it?" Anger crept up her insides until it reached her throat, and then escaped through her shrill voice.

"You fucking idiot! Sad! I am stuck in this fucking depression, and you come here, and tell me I look sad!" She walked up to him in her fury, and started to hit him with her fists.

"Cheryl! Stop it!" He yelled at her, but she wouldn't listen. She aimed at his chest and face until he gripped her wrists and held them so tightly she couldn't move at all. It made her even more furious, and she started to kick him, but instead of trying to keep her away from him, he pulled her into his body.

"Cheryl, relax..."

"Let me go," she yelled as she tried to push herself away from him, but he didn't release her.

"Just relax, Cheryl, before you hurt yourself."

"I'm already hurt, so what's the point!"

Her urge to fight him relented as quickly as it had risen. She felt lifeless and limp, dropping her arms and her body forwards until she slouched over. He carried her weight and led her to the bed where he helped her sit down, pulling her into his side.

"Let's just sit here for a while, eh?"

It was infuriating that he had a calming effect on her when it had been his fault that she got so angry, but Cheryl was grateful for his presence, his body supporting her weight.

"So?"

"What?"

"What's going on?"

She didn't reply immediately, thinking about what to say.

"I think I am depressed."

"What, you mean..."

"Depression, that's what I mean."

"But you've never..."

"Well, I think I am."

"You should get some help, then."


	5. Chapter 5

A few minutes later, they sat at the kitchen table, holding on to their cups of tea as if they would gain strength from them.

Cheryl wasn't the type of woman who willingly bared her soul to anyone, not even those closest to her, but she had learnt from the past. If she wasn't prepared to open up and let him in, there was no point in trying to win him back. She took a deep breath, avoiding his look.

"I never expected to love you again, after everything that happened. Or should I say - to fall in love with you all over."

"When your arm brushed against mine at the motel in Whanganui, and every cell in my body woke up and wanted you so badly, I thought it was just the need for comfort, after a harrowing day. But when I felt you on me, I realised how much I'd longed for you over all this time. Everything I loved about you came back, only this time it was magnified ten times. Your smell sends me to a place of warmth and belonging. The sound of your voice which I want to listen to for eternity, my head lying on your chest, my fingers moving up and down your skin, wondering how it could possibly be so smooth."

"I thought it was only sex but it's so much more - the way you speak, the shimmer of your skin when I get a glimpse of it, the colour of your eyes and how they change. But most of all, your kind heart."

She felt more vulnerable than ever before.

"I love you, Wayne, and I want to be with you. There is nothing else to it."

Judd didn't show any emotion as he kept looking at her while she waited for a response from him. She looked down on her hands, and when she couldn't sit still for another second without him saying anything, she pushed her chair back and stood up.

She had given it everything. It was there for him to take the next step. She had exposed herself in a way she had never done before, and as it became clear that he wasn't inclined in the same way, she withdrew. At least she had tried her best, and no one could ever accuse her again of not opening up to the one she loved the most. His eyes met hers briefly, before she turned away.

"I'm such a fool," she said, "You don't love me, so why do I keep my hopes up?" She picked up her cup and walked past him, and when she was by the doorway which led to the back of the house, she heard his voice, quiet, as if he wanted to avoid someone else listening in on a very private conversation.

"I never said I don't love you."

She stopped and turned on the spot, looking down on him as he was leaning against the backrest of his chair.

"What?"

"You heard me."

She took a step forwards and hung on to the nearest chair, sinking down on it.

"I don't get it."

"I do love you, Cheryl. More than you can imagine."

The words should have made her happier than ever before - it was all she wanted to hear from him, and were it not for the discussions they'd already had, she would have closed her eyes to immerse herself in the revelation of his love, soaking up the comfort that came from his words. Instead, his refusal to give her another chance pushed her down into her seat so much that she couldn't even lift her eyes to look at him. Her hands were crossed on her lap, as she waited for her thoughts to clear.

"But you're not prepared to give it another chance."

"It's not that I'm not prepared, it's just that I can't."

"You can't or won't?"

"Can't. We'll end up hurting each other again. I can't open up to you anymore." He looked up at her. "That would be even worse. Making a half-arsed effort, and then not letting you in. I'd rather love you from the distance than make promises I can't keep."

"It was all for nothing, then."

"What?"

"Losing Tama. Gerard. Growing apart from you. Going to jail. The betrayal."

"I don't understand."

"I've learnt so much, about opening up and truly sharing my life with you, but if I don't get another chance going through that pain was for nothing."

"It doesn't have to be me, Cheryl."

"But it does! It's only relevant to you, to us, no one else. I don't understand how you can't see that!"

She was pleading with him now, but his troubled look was a sign that he was not prepared to move. There was a time to give up, and Cheryl had reached the point where she needed to conserve her energy for her own sake.

"Fuck this!" She stood up once again and headed for the doorway. He didn't stop her, and by the time she had closed the bedroom door behind her, she knew that this had been her last chance, and that now was the time to finally accept that she and Judd would never be a couple again.

If Cheryl had been depressed before her unsuccessful attempt at convincing Judd, she was now in despair. It was as if expressing her love for him so openly had taken out any remaining energy, and left her completely deflated. Some days she couldn't face getting out of bed at all, or she had just enough energy to make herself a coffee before she needed to have a rest. Cheryl hated who she had become. She could barely recognise herself - she didn't care what her kids were up to, she didn't want to see her girlfriends, and, worst of all, she started to make up excuses for not looking after Jane.

It was sheer luck that Kasey called in during one of Cheryl's more lucid moments in the morning; because it meant that she was up, dressed and sitting at the table with her cup of coffee.

"How's it going, Cher?" she asked, plonking herself down on a chair.

"Good, you?"

"Yeah good, apart from Hemi who is sick. I've been on night watch. Now it's Munter's turn so I decided to sneak out to have a break!"

Cheryl tried to smile but it felt strained.

"You look exhausted," Kasey said, her forehead creased in worry lines. "And I'm only saying that because I'm worried about you. You've changed. As if you'd lost all your drive." Her words hurt, but Cheryl knew that she was only looking out for her.

"What's going on, Cher?"

"Things haven't been that good lately."

"Is this about Judd?"

"What do you know about this?"

"Nothing. But it's obvious that it's got something to do with him, I mean, you've just been so different ever since you saw him in Whanganui. And the fact that your holiday didn't seem to make any difference."

Cheryl's eyes filled with tears before she had any chance to try and stop them.

"I'm fucked, Kasey, totally fucked," she started, but her voice broke and she couldn't carry on talking because she was shaken by sobs. Kasey moved her chair and put her arm around her.

"Oh Cher..."

"I love him, Kasey, but he doesn't want me. And now I'm screwed in my head, and I can't get out of bed in the morning, and I don't want to do anything but sleep all day."

Kasey frowned.

"How long has this been going for?"

"Since I last saw him, two weeks ago."

Kasey put her hand on her arm.

"Now listen to me, and don't go off your rocker, please."

Cheryl nodded.

"You need help. You are stuck in a hole, and I think you are seriously depressed. We need to ring your doctor and make an appointment today."

"But doctors don't fix broken hearts..."

"Cheryl, listen, you might have a broken heart, but I wouldn't be surprised if you were in the middle of a serious depression, and no one can get out of that without help. You just have to accept this."

"I haven't been to a doctor in years."

"Do you have a GP?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to make an appointment for you today, and then I'll take you there. No arguments."

"But I don't..."

"No arguments, Chezza."

* * *

><p>When Cheryl returned from the GP and a visit to the pharmacy with a cocktail of antidepressants, she was less than impressed. She was the kind of person who thought twice about taking a Panadol for a headache, and here she was with an array of pills and tablets.<p>

The doctor told her that it would take a while to figure out the best dosage and combination for her, but she needed to start straight away because she was clearly suffering from depression brought on by recent events, but nurtured over the traumatic past two years. The GP was very surprised to hear that Cheryl never had any counselling. She was ready to put her in touch with a counsellor, but Cheryl was adamant that she was not prepared to see one.

The GP reluctantly agreed but only under the condition that she would be back within a couple of weeks. They set another appointment in two weeks' time, and Cheryl left with instructions on how to take the drugs, and what kind of side-effects to look for.

Cheryl was surprisingly conscientious in taking her drugs, and even though the changes were subtle, she felt that she was coping more easily with daily chores. She never mentioned any of it to her children because it was too private to talk about it, but one day, Loretta managed to find a packet of antidepressants when she was going through a drawer in the bathroom. She came out, holding it triumphantly in her hand, with a big grin on her face.

"What's this, Mum?" she asked.

"It says on the box."

"Antidepressants? Why the fuck would you take these?"

Cheryl wasn't surprised by Loretta's insensitiveness, but she was disappointed to see her gloat with glee as if she'd found a treasure box full of gold coins.

"Put them away, sit down, and I'll tell you."

Loretta thought about this proposal for a moment and followed her mum's instructions.

"So?"

"I'm taking these because I've been diagnosed with depression."

"You?"

"Yes."

"Because of Judd?"

"Part of it."

"But you're not depressed, you're sad, or maybe struggling with the idea that he doesn't want you back. How can anyone prescribe drugs for this?"

"Well, the GP thought that it was more than being sad, Loretta."

"Of course, they get a cut from the drug company! Mum, I cannot believe you're taking this shit. How can you think it will make you feel better?"

"It is helping, Loretta."

"Probably because you've finally moved on from Judd, not because of those pills."

It couldn't be further from the truth. She had in no way moved on from him. Some days she thought that the pain inside her was taking over her entire being, and she was surprised how anybody could show so little on the outside when the inside was hurting so much. She was longing to see him just to know that he was still around, but she doubted that she would handle an encounter with him.

It was one thing to watch Loretta waltz over other people, but quite different to be at the receiving end of her cynicism. Cheryl couldn't believe the lack of empathy from her own daughter. It was not worth carrying on the discussion.

"Whatever you say, Loretta. You seem to be the expert."

After Loretta had left, Cheryl picked up the phone and rang her GP.

"I'd like to make an appointment for this afternoon, if possible."

Luckily, someone else had cancelled, and within an hour, Cheryl was in her car on the way to the medical centre. She had changed her mind about seeing a counsellor. Her GP had recommended someone, and Cheryl wanted to arrange it before she chickened out.

On the way into town, she was trying to imagine what it would be like to talk to a complete stranger about the events of the past two years. She was lost in her own thoughts, or maybe it was the medication which made her drowsy and not quite with-it, and as she approached a busy intersection on Lincoln Road, she failed to see the red light.

When she realised that she was in the middle of the road in the face of an oncoming car, it was too late to do anything but close her eyes and wait for the impact.


	6. Chapter 6

It only took a few minutes for the ambulance, police and fire service to arrive. They had to cut her free from her smashed car, and if Cheryl had been conscious, she would have been shocked by the state of her crumpled Holden. She would have noticed the look on the paramedic's face as he worked to stabilise her while waiting for the firemen to finish their job. But Cheryl was oblivious to everything that happened around her. She was taken to nearby Waitakere Hospital where she underwent emergency surgery for a broken pelvis. When she was transferred into the Intensive Care Unit with a number of broken bones and a suspected head injury, no one knew if she would pull through.

Her children were notified, and they alerted further family members and friends. Soon, all the people who had ever been touched by Cheryl West in their life knew about her predicament. All apart from Wayne Judd.

After nearly twenty-four hours, Van remembered to ring Judd.

"Last on your list, was I?"

"If you hadn't been so bloody stupid about Mum, you would have been the first to know, Wayne!"

Judd slammed the phone down and picked up his keys. He ran to his truck and drove off.

Nothing in his life had ever been more important than seeing with his own eyes that Cheryl was still alive. All along the past few weeks he had known how badly she had been affected by his refusal to commit to her, but still, he had carried on with his 'love at a distance' idea. It hadn't been easy, but it helped that they never saw each other, and just this morning he was thinking that he had made the right decision. Little did he know that at the same time, she was lying on the operating table, fighting for her life.

Now it seemed like the most stupid idea ever - how could anyone love someone at a distance and be happy?

The drive down to the hospital was the longest in his life. At the hospital he ran through the corridors until he found the entry desk to the Intensive Care Unit where a nurse was studying a patient file.

"Who are you here to see, please?"

"Cheryl West."

She looked down on a list in front of her.

"Your name please."

"Wayne Judd."

She checked the list and frowned.

"Are you a relation?"

"Um, no."

"Your name is not on our next of kin list."

"I am... was Cheryl's partner for over four years."

The nurse looked up at him.

"I'm sorry, but your name needs to be on my list for you to be able to see her. Where would we get if we let everyone's exes visit? We'd soon have half of West Auckland in here."

Judd brought his fingers to his temples and closed his eyes for a moment.

"Listen, I know I'm not on your list, but I need to see Cheryl urgently. I don't care what you think about exes or not." He glared at the nurse, hoping that she would be intimidated enough to let him in. But she was used to people begging her to be let in, and resorted to studying her list.

"I'm sorry, but you can't visit her unless your name is on my list, or you come back with someone who is."

Judd took a step closer and leaned across the desk.

"Listen, I can make your life very difficult if you don't let me in."

The nurse picked up the phone.

"I don't respond to threats, Wayne. You better leave now, or I will call hospital security."

Judd considered his options, and left. He made his way down to the cafeteria where he rang Loretta, imploring her to come to the hospital so she could give him permission to visit. To his surprise, she arrived within minutes.

"They won't let me in, I'm not next of kin," he said to her as he got up.

"No, of course not. You didn't want to be next of kin, if I remember correctly."

He looked at her in despair.

"Not now, Loretta, please."

They approached the nurse again. She acted as if she'd never met Wayne before.

"Please add Wayne Judd to your list," Loretta said.

"And you are?"

"Loretta West."

She wrote his name down below all the other family members.

"Follow me."

Judd turned to follow her but stopped when Loretta didn't come.

"You coming?"

She shook her head.

"No, I visited this morning. You go."

He didn't know what to expect. When Van had rung, he told him that she had internal injuries, a few broken bones and bruising on her face, but there had been no time to ask about details.

Nothing could have prepared him for the sight of her in the bed beside a number of monitors, drips and other machines. Cheryl looked small and frail, her face covered in cuts and bruises. Her left eye was black and swollen, and she had a large bruise on her forehead. A clear liquid fed through a tube into a needle which was inserted into her hand, and the other arm was covered in a cast. Her eyes were closed, and she looked as if she was just sleeping, not in a coma.

Judd's knees gave in as he approached her, and he was grateful for the chair which stood in front of her bed, as he made it there just in time. After a while, he stood up and bent over her, his hands hovering over her because she looked too frail to be touched, but he wanted so badly to feel her skin to know that she was still alive.

"Cheryl," he said as he found a little patch on her uninjured arm which seemed safe enough to touch, and as the warmth of her skin seeped through to him, he broke down in tears of regret, relief and worry.

"I'm so sorry for not listening to you. You were right about us."

He lifted her hand to kiss her fingers.

"I love you, Cheryl, and I am here for you."

Over the next week, Judd spent several hours every day at Cheryl's bedside. On a number of occasions, the staff had to ask him to leave because he had exceeded the maximum visiting hours by far.

Every day he visited, he started off with the same feelings of guilt - if only he had listened to Cheryl's plea, she would not be lying in intensive care, he was sure. Most of the time he spent holding her hand and watching her, and every now and then he said something to her as if she was awake. Before he left, he always finished with a kiss on her hand, and when the bruising in her face improved, he found a spot which he deemed safe and kissed her there.

On the seventh day after her accident, Cheryl reached a level of consciousness where she knew that he was there. She heard his voice but her brain couldn't process the words to understand he was saying. It was as if the language to express her thoughts was missing, and all she was left with was a feeling that something was going on. She couldn't open her eyes or move any limbs, yet she was aware of him being there. His voice was carried to her through thick fog, but clear enough for her to hear that it was his. She clung to it as if her life depended on it, and when he stopped talking for a while, a terrible feeling of loneliness gripped her. She called out to him, but her voice was silent. Her arms waved at him but they remained still on the bed, by her body.

When Judd returned the next day, he immediately noticed that something was different about Cheryl. Did her cheeks look slightly pink, or was it his wishful thinking?

As always, he bent over her and kissed her, this time on the forehead. He moved a strand of hair which had fallen into her eyes before sitting down on the chair and picking up her hand.

"You look better today, Cheryl," he started his monologue. "You've got more colour in your cheeks. Did you secretly get up and put make-up on? It wouldn't surprise me!" He chuckled and pressed her hand against his lips, kissing it lightly. He closed his eyes for a moment and sighed.

"I miss you, Mrs West."

Out of the blue, Cheryl gripped his hand and called out to him.

"Wayne!"

"Cheryl! I'm here!"

Judd jumped up and pushed the alarm button to alert the nurses. He looked at Cheryl whose eyes were still closed, but her face looked worried.

"Wayne!"

"I'm here, right by you, Cheryl," he said.

She called out again, her voice shrill and her face distorted, grabbing Judd's arm and digging her fingers into his skin. She started to thrash around, waving both arms around in front of her, even the one in cast which she had barely moved all this time.

Judd looked around in desperation to see if anyone was coming to help him. Cheryl got hold of the drip with her injured arm and before he could stop her, she pulled and pushed on it. He held her wrists so she couldn't do any more damage, but even so, a trickle of blood started to seep through the band-aid which covered the insertion point of the drip. The last thing Judd felt like was to manhandle her when all he wanted was to hold her tight until she calmed down, but she was surprisingly strong, leaving him no choice but to keep an iron grip of her.

"Shhh, Cheryl," he tried so soothe her, but she kept fighting him while calling for him at the same time.

Someone pushed him aside and seized her wrists.

"You can let go of her now."

Judd took a step back and watched in horror as she kept calling out his name, almost pleading now, while the nurses strapped her arms down on either side of the bed as if she was an escaped prisoner who was a danger to others.

It was an agonising wait until the nurse finally managed to find a vein to set a new drip, while Cheryl was fighting the constraints which were meant to keep her safe. He couldn't bear standing back any longer, and took a step forward to be closer to her, bending his knees until he was right beside her face. As the doctor injected her with a clear liquid, Judd noticed how her face and limbs relaxed immediately.

"I'm here, Cheryl," he whispered into her ear, his cheek resting on hers until long after she had slipped back into unconsciousness.

Judd kept his vigil at her bedside over the next few days. Her pink cheeks were gone, and she was back to looking grey and frail. More than once he pleaded with the doctors to wake her from her induced coma, but their answer was always the same - her body needed all the rest it could get, and this was the best way for her to get better.

Some days, he could hardly find the strength to talk about much and remained silent for most of the time. Despite his best efforts to keep up morale, it was difficult to remain positive. It was an irrational fear but he was convinced that they needed to wake her up soon, or she would forever remain unconscious.

It was a Monday morning when the doctors stopped giving her the drugs which kept her in a coma, and after a few hours, Cheryl woke up.

"Where am I?" she asked through the fog in her head, wondering why the clouds in heaven were not visible like she had imagined when she was a little girl.

"You're in hospital," a voice told her. She felt someone's fingers on her arm and then, something warm and damp on her face.

"Why I am in hospital?" she asked, noticing that the fog slowly cleared and she didn't fall back into the soft cotton wool where she had come from.

"You were in an accident."

Cheryl opened her eyes and blinked to see a blurry outline of a person standing next to her. She tried to turn her head but before she managed to even move it an inch, she was exhausted by the effort. It was a struggle to keep her eyes open, but Cheryl was determined to stay on this side of the fog and not drift off again. She tried to remember how she had ended up here, but there was nothing to give her a clue - not a feeling, not a glimpse, not a picture that would help her find even one piece of the puzzle of why she was in hospital.

"How long have I been here?"

"About two weeks."

Two weeks in hospital. What had happened? She slowly inched her head up to look down on her body, a movement so straining she needed to close her eyes for a moment. There was nothing to see apart from her hands, one of which had a drip in it, and the other one which looked like it was in a cast.

"What happened to my arm?"

"You broke it."

Cheryl swallowed hard. There were other injuries on her body but she wasn't ready to hear what they were. A broken arm was just manageable at this stage. The news that she had been in a coma for two weeks was enough to digest. It was hard to comprehend - it felt like she had been asleep for a long time, and she was strangely rested, but at the same time she was incredibly tired and even the slightest movement required a concentrated effort. She sensed that her body was not in a good shape - even though she didn't feel any pain she knew that it was badly bruised and broken.

When she couldn't keep her eyes open any longer, she gave them a rest, convinced that she was now fully conscious and wouldn't fall back into the fog, and if she did fall asleep, she would wake up again. She breathed in slowly, thinking about what the nurse had told her. Why had she been in an accident? She was looking for an anchor point, any clue as to what had happened, but she couldn't remember anything. No car, no accident, no ambulance.

There was one thing, but she couldn't even call it a memory. It was more of an inkling that she ought to remember something. Something to do with her calling for someone, and trying to stay with that person, but they had slipped away, or rather, she had lost grip of them and fallen back into the fog.

She opened her eyes, and to her surprise, the nurse was still there.

"Did anything happen while I was here?"

"You had lots of visitors, and you woke up once, but you were harming yourself, so we had to put you back to sleep."

Cheryl frowned.

"How did I harm myself?"

"You were thrashing around, pulling out your drip, hurting your arm."

The nurse looked at her with a sympathetic smile.

"You were calling out for him."

"Him?"

"Wayne."

At that very moment, Cheryl wished to sink back into the place of oblivion where she was safe from feeling anything, and thoughts about Wayne couldn't get to. It almost equalled to being dead, but it was better than the pain which had flared up like a wild fire with the mention of his name and fuelled by the memory of her pointless attempt to win him back.

She raised her arm to wipe the tears which had filled her eyes so suddenly but her movement was too slow to stop them from rolling down her cheeks. If only she could exchange the memory of their last encounter with a recollection of the accident. She would give anything to feel the pain of her injuries instead of the agony in her heart.

Cheryl had forgotten about the nurse until she felt a weight on her shoulder.

"He was here," she said. "Wayne, I mean."

Cheryl stared at her.

"All the time, Cheryl, watching over you."

Cheryl didn't believe her. It was a trick. She had fallen back into the void despite her best efforts to stay conscious, and her mind made it all up.

"I'm sure he will be here shortly. He always turns up after lunch and stays for the rest of the day."

On his way to hospital, Judd questioned the wisdom of visiting her every day. The daily trips and hours spent at her bedside were draining and depressing. Would it really matter if he only visited every second day? Cheryl wouldn't know the difference, and he could possibly catch up on some much-needed sleep and a bit of housework. Maybe he had to face the possibility that she might remain in hospital for many months, and that he needed to conserve his own energy?

When he entered the hospital building, he felt flat. His energy-levels were low, and he didn't' know if he could keep it up for much longer.

He entered the Intensive Care Unit. Nobody was around to give him a brief update like they usually did. He approached her bed where she was lying in a slightly different position, her skin with a hint of a colour, as if someone had brushed some makeup on her.

He pulled his chair up and kissed her on the forehead. Her eyes were closed, but they flickered a lot. He picked up her hand and squeezed it before lifting it up to his lips.

"Cheryl," he said. "You look different today...better..."

Her face looked more relaxed than ever before, and suddenly it dawned on him that she was asleep, but not in a coma. He watched her as she breathed in and out, her face twitching every now and then. When he couldn't bear to wait any longer, he buried his face in her neck.

"Cheryl," he whispered into her ear, and when she started to move, he was suddenly overcome by doubts.

What if she woke up and didn't want him anymore? Maybe the coma had affected her memory, and she didn't remember who he was? He pulled back and straightened himself up.

Just then, she opened her eyes. She looked at him for a long time as if she needed the time to take all of him in.

"You're here?" she asked.

Judd smiled at her.

"I've been here all along."

"Have you?"

"Ever since I heard."

"Why?"

He looked down on his hands.

"I wanted to be here with you, to make sure you're okay."

She smiled faintly, and closed her eyes for a minute, exhausted from the short conversation they'd had. He thought that she had gone back to sleep, but suddenly, she opened her eyes again and looked at him.

"I don't know what happened."

"Me neither. But I do know what's important in life, after all."

"What is?"

"The people you love. It's all that matters. I can't believe how stupid I was."

She frowned, her forehead in a familiar look of confusion.

"I thought I could love you from the distance, to spare myself from any future hurt. It was only when I nearly lost you that I understood."

She looked more confused, and he wasn't sure if it was what he'd said, or whether she was too tired to understand.

"I love you, Cheryl."

She closed her eyes again, squinting as tears rolled down the side of her face. He leaned over her and wiped them off.

"I'm sorry I made you cry."

He kissed her on the cheek, lifting his lips slightly, only to kiss her in the same spot again and again and again until she opened her eyes, laughing and crying at the same time.

"Fuck! You better make it worthwhile."

"You bet, Mrs West."


	7. Chapter 7

Many weeks of rehabilitation, physiotherapy and doctor's visits followed. At first it seemed unlikely that Cheryl's injuries would ever heal, but every week brought improvements, even if they seemed insignificant on their own.

Soon after her release from hospital, she asked Judd to move back in with her.

"So I can look after you and support you around the house?" he wanted to know.

She burst into laughter.

"If I wanted a caregiver, I'd pay for one. You ain't going to get paid."

"Why not?"

"If I paid you, that would make you my playboy."

"That sounds tempting."

"Still, don't expect a cent from me."

He looked at her with a big grin on his face.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, Cher, but you actually have to have sex in order to be a playboy."

Cheryl's smile faded. She turned serious, looking down on her lap, fiddling with a yarn that had come off her blouse.

"I'm working on it, Wayne."

It was a cruel irony that thanks to Cheryl's broken pelvis, they weren't able to have sex. Not what Cheryl called 'real sex', anyway. She ached to recreate the magic that had brought them back together in Whanganui many times over and waited for the all-clear from her doctor, but it didn't look like it would happen in the near future.

Judd leaned over and kissed her.

"Don't worry, lovey, I ain't going nowhere."


End file.
